Hittin’ It Raw-Dawg: The Wonderful Wyatts of West Brooklyn

(Maximum Sports Channels – Joseph Randazzo) Who are the Wyatts? Some have even gone out of their way to look for this answer. While the cameraman’s search was noble and recognized on Monday Night Raw, he was looking in the wrong place because the Wyatt’s are not who they say they are. These three individuals who’ve called their faction the Wyatt family are not the backwoodsmen they’d like us all to believe. Now, a person who hasn’t roamed the streets of Brooklyn’s more hipster neighborhoods like I have, might just think the Wyatt’s live next door to a meth clinic in West Virginia. But I know better and I’m here to inform you with my advanced senses.

Look up Brooklyn dirty hipster beard on Google Images. What you’ll notice is picture upon picture of bearded white guys in flannel shirts over wife beaters and wacky colored button tees. This is the same exact attire of the Wyatt family. Now clothing alone does not make the hipster. What makes the hipster is on the inside. An inside comprised of dirty, dirty, dirty over-trying simplicity.

We should go back to this idea that the Wyatt’s come from a backwoods redneck, black people hating area like Alabama. First off hipster’s don’t have an edgy bone in their body. They’d see a Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, or Chris Rock joke on African-American culture as insensitive. Were the Wyatts really from the backwoods America they claim to be, they’d be a part of Zeb Colter’s Fox News app download club of Real Americans. Let’s be honest, the Wyatt’s weren’t fulfilling some sort of racial fantasy by attacking R-truth but more, filling some liberal Harvard-like diversity quota we saw in How High; which is eerily racist in itself.

BUT JOE, WHAT ABOUT THE GRASS AND TREES IN EVERY WYATT VIDEO? BROOKLYN IS NOT SO LUSH. TUPAC TAUGHT US ONLY BUT ONE FLOWER CAN GROW OUT OF CONCRETE’S CRACKS. There’s a simple answer there. Hipsters don’t know how to perform simple manual labor like using a lawn mower. If you let grass grow in the back of a building in Brooklyn the thing will look like a jungle. I know this because my dad owned a Pizzeria in Park Slope, Brooklyn. (On a side note Park Slope is a newly inhabited hipster domain due to government gentrification. AKA raising rent to kick out all non-whites and replace them with wealthier whiter people. A sad, sad truth about modern America.) If you looked over at the next door building’s backyard it was filled with grass and shrubs. All the Wyatt’s did is pretend to be some redneck group in the deep south by recording in an un-mowed backyard. They used the hipster inability to work to their advantage. It’s inexpensively (lazily) genius really.

Those hands you saw praising the Wyatts in their entrance video are not loyal followers but instead a group of their closest 1,000 twitter followers waving their hands to their new era screamo pop punk self-proclaimed super vocalist group. (It’s no guitars. Just screaming. The Wyatts were doing it for so long, two of them blew out their voices. When you’re too lazy to get the vocal training, this shit happens.)

Also, look at the way Bray Wyatt extends his hand while he cuts a promo. That’s what every new era screamo pop punk self-proclaimed super vocalist group does when they self-congratulate themselves to a crowd of 539820 hipsters in a venue slowly nodding their head in uber excitement.

The most telling quality of the Wyatts is not everything I just mentioned or their sweaty style hairdo which is actually a lot of gel. It’s actually how the Wyatts conduct themselves that make them the filthy hipsters they are. The four top vocalists in the WWE right now are Dean Ambrose, CM Punk, Paul Heyman, and Zeb Coltor. Hipsters are natural thieves of anything cool that’s not super mainstream. Bray Wyatt has taken the four top mic specialists in the WWE, who aren’t known as household names like John Cena, and speaks exactly like them. Those four and Bray Wyatt have a very Gene Wilder approach to speaking. They start low and work their way up to passionate yells. The problem is, Bray Wyatt hasn’t come up with his own voice because that would take some work. Remember, hispters don’t work. Instead, every time he’s on the mic, Bray will choose between doing doing Ambrose, Punk, Heyman, and Coltor.

The Wyatt’s aren’t just thieves on the mic. Their storyline is exactly like the Nexus’s and the Shield’s. (HMMM wasn’t Bray Wyatt once a man named Husky Harris in a passed wrestling life?) The Wyatt’s are guys who like to beat up on sinners. That sinners eradication plan sounds a lot like Shield’s pledge to eliminate injustice from the WWE.

The Wyatt’s haven’t even picked an original first target. In the Shield’s first match they faced Kane in a six man tag team match at TLC. The Wyatt’s took out Kane before his Money in the Bank ladder match. The Shield completely eliminated Kane in that Tables, Ladders, and Chairs match at the Barclays center. What do hipsters do? They call other people who are in Brooklyn posers so they try to eliminate a person by ganging up on them. The Wyatt’s have done the same thing to Kane by doing everything but letting the word “Brooklyn” slip from their stolen mic skills.

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